Loss and Trying to Find

I am my mother's only child.  I have spent my entire life being "Beverly's daughter."  It was a title that I loved dearly.  My mother, Beverly Ann Williams was a remarkable woman.  I don't know if you remember the old 80's tune " The men all paused, when I walked into the room", well that was my mother.  Some may think it vain, but my mom cared about her apperance...she always had on lipstick and earrings.  She loved to dress, the small two bedroom house I grew up in only had three closets and she had a majority share of all three. My mom loved shoes hats scarves gloves earrings necklaces rings perfume makeup...if it could be found at a retailer she loved it.  Besides the material my mom had a warm heart and a geat personality..she was a real honest to God people person. She could talk to anyone about anything, she was always some place "holding court" no matter the venue.  As a child I was always in awe of my mother her undenyable beauty, her great whit, and her ability to seemingly attract people to her.  I love being Beverly's daughter.

From December 2009 until April 20, 2010 I was privledged to be my mother's caretaker.  Two months after the birth of my first child, a girl named Eden.  My mother went to be with the Lord.  Many times throughout my life I'd said, "Lord please let me have a child or a husband because if anything happens to my mom., I will simply lay down and die!"  (You have to be careful what you say the Lord always hears you :)  I had always truly believed that I would never be able to make it here in this world without my mom.  She was my source of strength, my net to catch me when I was in a free fall. She was my banker, my cheerleader, my loan officer, my judge and jury, my friend, my mom  Without her, who was I.  If she wasn't there anymore would people know that I was still "Beverly's daughter"?

After my mom's services and everyone went back to their own lives and reality, I realized how alone I was.  I never knew how big this world really is.  I was paralyzed with fear.  I was about to jump out of a plane with no parachute and no saftey net.  I did not know how to ask anyone for help, I had always depended on my mother.  Nobody else.  To make things even more difficult, as much as I wanted to lay down and die myself, I couldn't because I had a child of my own, a brand new child of my own who was depending on me. 

And soo begins my journey....here I was a grown child, with a child.  I had no idea how I was suppose to now live my life, but I knew I had to try to find a way.